I am just going to come out say it: I loathe MSNBC.  I really do.  I cannot stand that network.  At all.

And because of this, I LOVE the fact that they consistently get beat down in the ratings by Fox News.  Seriously, I delight in their misery.

So it is that I came up with some ideas for MSNBC in order to try in an attempt to raise their normal viewership (somewhere in the neighborhood of 87-92 folks nightly) to at least the lower triple digits.

In fact, I would be so proud of them if they hit 100 viewers.  I am getting choked up just thinking about it.

Thus, here are the “Top 10 Ideas for MSNBC to Try In Order to Increase their Ratings”

10. Integrate a multi-colored “Chris Matthews Tingle Meter” (with suggestive musical soundtrack) into the telecasts of Hardball for those moments when President Obama really gets Chris going.

Bow chick a bow wow.

9. You know what?  Forget it.  From now on have Chris Matthews host the show in. the. nude.

8. Bring “Countdown with Keith Olbermann” back as a 3-D show.

Because there is nothing like watching an overbearing, condescending, snarky, and maniacal liar in 3-D.  Nothing.

7. Quietly change the name of the network to MSNB-FOX.

6. Introduce yet another primetime show with a screaming, white, balding, middle aged, liberal male as the host…

What’s that?

They did that already?

Well, hello Lawrence O’Donnell and Ed Schultz.  Nice to see you both.  Thanks for coming.  Good to have you on board.

5. Six Words to Ratings Gold: Air Lockup 24 hours a day.

4. Highlight the fact that Maddow is a lesbian…If you know what I am saying.

3. All MSNBC shows will have one conservative guest each night.  However, said conservative guest MUST BE personally attacked and berated to the point of the show’s host utterly and awkwardly embarrassing themselves and the network.

Because you know, that has been such a ratings bonanza in the past.

2. Present a week-long expose on the Koch Brothers in which each MSNBC host magically connects them to the conspiracy to cover up the following stories:

A. The overwhelming evidence of the Loch Ness Monster (JUST REPLACE THE L IN “LOCH” WITH A K!).

B. How William Howard Taft’s failed economic policies massively benefited Koch Industries during the year 1912 even though Koch Industries wasn’t actually founded until 1940.  Whatever.

C. The role the Koch Brothers played in the slow and agonizing death of the Hollywood career of the dude who played Screech on Saved by the Bell.

D. How the Kochs knew about and failed to stop the framing of my cousin Jerry who got fired from McDonald’s after he allegedly got caught smoking doobies in the walk-in freezer at the back of the kitchen during the summer of 1989.

1. Say goodbye to the MSNBC slogan of Lean Forward…

Say hello to the new MSNBC slogan:  Bend Over.

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So, what do you think of the list?  You got any other ideas?